Monday, March 31, 2008

all the ducks are swimming in the water

So on Thursday night I stayed at work until 6.30pm finishing a piece of work that I wouldn't have had to do if a certain colleague of mine, who I shall name 'Mick', had been doing his job for the last eighteen months.

On Friday morning I emailed the completed piece of work around the business, and on Friday afternoon my boss went into a meeting with Mick and Mick's boss. At the last minute she told me that I wasn't allowed to come, even though I had all the answers, which surprised me a bit. When she came back three hours later she immediately called me over for a 'chattette'.

It turns out that what Mick had been doing (nothing) and what he'd been telling his boss he'd been doing (everything) were very different things, and Mick's boss had been more than a little surprised to see such a large and complete piece of work about Mick's project come from me, rather than the man himself. At the very same time my boss was telling me this, Mick and his boss were sharing 'feedback' which, my boss assured me, was universally negative for Mick.

Sadly, Mick is a very aggressive person, and my boss was telling me this info to warn me that the coming week might be a little 'choppy' for me, by which she meant "he will probably try to shiv you in the exercise yard".

Equally sadly, I am on the brink of destruction every second of every day at the moment because I can't cope with my workload and the prospect of having to field someone else's rage about something which is 100% not my fault is distressing in the extreme. One wrong move from anyone these days and I'm on the edge of tears - a good shouting at would just about see me off.

On the plus side, today is month end which means HOLIDAYS GET RESET TOMORROW! I can have a day off for the first time since I set foot back on British soil in September last year <3

Now if it would just stop raining

Monday, March 24, 2008

Open letter to Topshop

Dear Topshop,

Your clothes are amazing but far too expensive. I will still buy them, however, because they are amazing, even though they are expensive.

Please note, however, that what I will not buy is distress. There seems to have been an explosion in your button factory and it is impossible to buy an item of clothing from your current range whose main fastening is not tens of thousands of tiny, ill-fitting buttons. These buttons do not coincide with my preferred method of living (Elizabethan queen without a personal "dresser").

Therefore, please fuck off with the buttons.

Kindest regards,

Lucifer.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Easter!

I agreed to work Good Friday because I want to go to Lincoln on Tuesday and it seemed like a good trade off.

Now I'm regretting it because it's sunny outside and I want to go and play in the park with a huge boundy dog and then have a picnic under an oak tree.


I'm going to buy some flipflops at the weekend in preparation for and encouragment of summer

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Things I do at work when I'm bored

#4: Instant Message Colleagues with Trivia About Other Colleagues

Lucy/Peo... basically, Mel has written this big wall post to Adam saying 'hey Adam so i guess i applied for that job and guess what! they accepted me! i could be a manager in a year or so, still miles away from where you're at though. where are you at?"
Chris/Pe... interesting
Lucy/Peo... and Adam's response was like "oh wow well done innit keep a post open for me hahaha something about systems"
Lucy/Peo... it was just so weird
Chris/Pe... she's obviously very proud of herself
Chris/Pe... and wants to share the knowledge with otheres
Lucy/Peo... but wtf was all that about being behind Adam? she thinks he's some sort of chuffing god
Lucy/Peo... i think she wants to have a go on him
Chris/Pe... grim
Lucy/Peo... she wants to introduce him to the ways of hairy lady love
Chris/Pe... VERY grim. she's always thought he is a god.
Lucy/Peo... she wants to trap him in her love dungeon
Chris/Pe... nauseous
Lucy/Peo... she's going to let him get his willy wet
Chris/Pe... mayeb she's the married lady he's been seeing!
Chris/Pe... it all makes sense
Chris/Pe... and don't ever say willy again
Lucy/Peo... Mel is his My First Girlfriend
Lucy/Peo... she's like a playground for him
Chris/Pe... God imagine the heavy breathing!!!!!!!
Chris/Pe... it's loud enough =during every day meetings
Lucy/Peo... she lets him rub his scales all over her
Chris/Pe... hair and scales
Chris/Pe... good combo
Lucy/Peo... she likes it when his goggle eyes roam all over her hairy man-legs
Lucy/Peo... she waddled him into bed
Chris/Pe... image of willies in my head
Lucy/Peo... seductively
Lucy/Peo... wobbling it about for her
Lucy/Peo... five seconds of guilty enjoyment and then it's all over embarrassingly quickly
Lucy/Peo... maybe he did the willy dance for her?
Lucy/Peo... i've still never seen that
Chris/Pe... HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE WILLY DANCE???
Lucy/Peo... you told me!
Chris/Pe... I must have mentioned it
Chris/Pe... damn
Lucy/Peo... i think you're the only one who's experienced it
Chris/Pe... Give it a couple of weeks and you'll see for yourself
Chris/Pe... Foster agreed though
Lucy/Peo... i don't know if i'd find it endearing
Chris/Pe... I've only seen 2 boys do it.
Chris/Pe... maybe 3?
Lucy/Peo... i think Mel and Adam might have bonded over a complicated excel spreadsheet
Lucy/Peo... all heavy brething and excited nodding
Lucy/Peo... and then an illicit stolen kiss
Lucy/Peo... like tropical fish
Chris/Pe... STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT
Lucy/Peo... you love it
Lucy/Peo... i'm going to type this up and make it into a story
Lucy/Peo... a story of two awful, pathetic people finding love with each other against all odds
Lucy/Peo... and bumping uglies
Chris/Pe... she's written it on other people's walls too
Lucy/Peo... oh really?
Lucy/Peo... the same thing?!
Chris/Pe... Sarah's
Lucy/Peo... maybe her and Sarah are muffdiving together
Chris/Pe... STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT
Lucy/Peo... NOW SHE'S MUFFDIVING TAM
Chris/Pe... F##K off Raffles
Chris/Pe... seriously gonna puke

Friday, March 14, 2008

still alive and bitchin'

Yesterday my whole team had had a desk move. Today we had a three hour 'Team Diagnostic' to assess how well we work together. 95% of our working life is banter; 5% is gossiping. The perennial subject ofour gossip made a martyr of herself even though she's applied for a managerial position and should be over our schoolgirl humour, and we decided that were she ever to become our manager we would all instantly resign. I would rather live in a box in the sewer than be her employee.

Also this boy I have met is increasingly interesting to me. At first I wasn't sure, but I guess there is something OK when you find yourself missing him and his southern ways at unexpected and inconvenient times of the day.

I have got the quiestest weekend this side of New Year. My partner in crime is away for the weekend and without her I can lead a civilised, productive life. I don't know what this should look like though, so I am going to drill holes in my house and pretend to be a grownup :)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

world is crazier and more of it than you think

UPDATE:

1) Could not drive Zafira. Abandoned it in favour of my own tiny Fiat.

2) Made it five junctions up the M1 before I turned back in fear for my own life due to storm of the century :(

OUTCOME:

Meeting cancelled.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

the drunkenness of things being various

I've got an all-day meeting in Manchester tomorrow. I've been preparing for it like crazy for three days now and I've got a huge presentation/business case to argue. The outcome of the presentation determines how successfully you will be able to buy hayfever medication this summer.

I'm not allowed to drive all that way in my own car (company policy) so I had to submit a request to hire a fleet car.

They have given me a Vauxhall Zafira.

Now my major challenge is not "have I done enough preparation?", but "how likely I am to crash and die in this beast before reaching the M1?"

Monday, March 10, 2008

food glorious food

Friday night: I lose at bowling, twice, and have to perform a forfeit. No one minds too much.
Saturday morning: Come home, shower, discover I am running late.
Saturday lunch: have lunch with some bestest people
Saturday night: stay in, drink too much wine, eat all the food and generally LIVE THE DREAM seriously it was an awesome night
Sunday morning: one bestest friend too ill from backwards crabbing and wine-plyage and refuses to go home
Sunday night: eat even more food and watch TV for nine hours
Monday morning: slide out of bed feeling like Alex Mack.
Monday lunch: only the knowledge of the photos that will go on Facebook tonight can save me now.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

relax, it's only kinky the first time

- Rachel and Emma are coming to see me on Saturday/Sunday and it's going to be the best weekend yet this year (apologies to those with whom I have enjoyed previous weekends)

- - I need a new laptop, but I don't know anything about them and my budget is £200

--- My job is making me crazy and it's only being able to bitch about the new moonfaced pig-girl in my team which alleviates my madness

---- I have met someone I quite like, maybe, and yet I still have to exert every ounce of self-control to keep my eyes on my screen and my mouth, which is full of excited but moronic words, shut when Boy Who Is A Tosser comes to talk to my colleague (which is every day)

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Happy Mother's Day!

Me: If you're going to a pub quiz tonight on Who's Who In Heanor Graveyard, or possibly What That Shop Next To Beetons Used To Be Before It Was The Chemist, I advise you to use me as your phone-a-friend

Him: I am making headway with this wine. What are the chances you can call me with a fake emergency?

Me: I can't help you. I'm busy falling asleep in conversations on all sorts of fascinating topics, including Women Who Lost Babies Fifty Years Ago, Minutae From Gran's Nursing Home, and Life And Times of Amaryllis Plants (They Don't Flower The Second Year!) x