Bloggy McBloggerson strikes again

I have done something I regret. Yeah yeah, what week doesn't go by when I don't make some sort of stupid decision, right.

But this one has been particularly crap to deal with. I think it's because it involved me making a decision which has negatively impacted someone I care about and in confessing which makes me into the bad guy. The thing was totally selfish of me and I deserve to feel like crap. Doesn't mean I like it and doesn't mean it hasn't absolutely ruined my day.

It's actually not the thing itself I regret, but the flawed decision-making that got me to that point. And now the other party is understandably pissed off with me, or has lost respect for me, or whatever. And I'd really like to be able to explain myself, not to redeem myself but because I want them to understand why I did it and what they should be hating me for, exactly. I know, however, that I don't get to dictate terms of contact now, and I just have to choke it down and see if they give me a second chance to prove that I'm not a shallow, fickle, deceitful nightmare.

They may not give me a chance, as is their right, but I hate the fact that there is someone who thinks so badly or - worse - so little of me. I know, I know, if I didn't want that to happen I shouldn't have made the original stupid decision, or at least I shouldn't have owned up to it. But I told the truth because I hate lying to people; it's just that in telling the truth I showed myself to be unreliable and maybe a bit amoral and potentially unlikeable. I'm also worried it makes other, genuinely unrelated, behaviour or comments look horrible, too. But maybe not everyone analyses like I do.

I hate to be that guy. Also I hate posting this sort of stuff. I guess this is self-flagellation. I had something I liked, and now I don't. Sic transit gloria mundi.