stop oh oh please stop me

This morning I had in fact died and gone to hell. I woke up with a brain too large for my shrunken skull and with what felt like a number of socks in my mouth.

I went for one drink last night (stop me if you think you've heard this one before) with Zoe and our new friend Alistair at 5.30pm and didn't get home until 4.30am today. It was immense fun and this morning I considered the possibilities of going to QMC to beg a nurse to replace all my blood and sew my mouth up to prevent recurrence.

We met two French spies, a woman from Rochdale and a lady with a year-old baby in attendance. I sound posh, and Alistair was very complimentary but - typically - has a beautiful girlfriend.

Zoe told me she loves me and that she hates it when I do things with friends that aren't her, which confused me as we do literally everything together so how would she know what that felt like?! We decided that there's nothing wrong with us and the reason we can't get decent boyfriends is that we're too cute for Nottingham.

Later we went to the casino. We didn't bet (because we couldn't figure it out) but I've got a horrible feeling that somehow my membership might mean that I can never get a mortgage.