I AM TWENTY THREE

and I had a party to prove it. It was awesome! Two years ago I went to London for my birthday and last year I went to Germany so it was lovely but weird to celebrate in my own city, en masse.

My ex-husband Jeff and I merged our birthday parties as our birthdays are next to each other and our combined forces provided a high level of FUN. My attention was cruelly monopolised by one specific person and at 2am we left to pursue our evening separate to everyone else.

When I got in the next day after performing the Walk of Shame I was spared the inquisition, as the presence of a nameless blonde in our-all female household was enough to divert all attention from my out-of-character total lapse in morals. It was established that a) she had terrible extensions and b) she had attached herself to my housemate and our friend and invited herself back for a place to stay. We managed to put her into a taxi post-haste before she got too settled.

The upshot of all of this is that I am ruined through lack of sleep and also I have muscular dystrophy due to over-exertion. This combination means I find it hard to walk and can't see where I'm going when I do.

Things cannot continue this way.